Monday, January 17, 2005

Drink & Drive


I love beer. I love everything about it. The bitter-ish taste. The malt-ish aroma. I love the foam. I love how the foam stays on my upper lip everytime I take a swig. I love how cold beer feels colder than any cold beverage in the world. I also love how, when I down an entire mug non-stop, I get a little tipsy and my brains feels like a block of ice. And I especially love how beer makes me burp big time.

Beer, in my opinion, is the quintessential macho-man beverage. It's the drink for the everyman. It isn't elitist like wine. And it doesn't have the namby-pambiness of a bottle of cooler or one of those designer sweet soda-beer you get in the clubs these days. And it sure isn't as depressive as whisky, or as pretentious as brandy or as pansy as a tequila. Beer is cheap and it taste like fizzy piss (I'm guessing, okay) and that's good enough for me. I'm a man's man and I like to talk shit and drink piss. So as you can imagine, if your wife forbids you to drink beer at home that's as good as her grabbing you by the family jewels and slicing them off.

"It can't be good for your liver," Mae justifies. Of course she also lectures me about my... erm... fluctuating health! And she reminds me that I'm a daddy now. And so I agree to stop stocking up the fridge with beer. And then one day, I stumbled on the product that would change my life forever. Clausthaler Non-Alcoholic Beer! *gasp*

Made by the very people who gave you BMW and Claudia Schiffer, this product of clever German engineering has everything that you could want in a beer but is 100% alcohol-free. As I swigged down a mouthful of the familiar golden goodness, tears welled up in my eyes. My manhood has been restored. Well, almost.

So I won't be getting tipsy but I'd still be letting rip those super burps that I love so much. And I can drink and drive. Heck, I can drive while drinking the stuff! You win some and you lose some. *sigh* But it's all good. :)

Now, if only someone will invent low-cholesterol Fried Chicken.

Clausthaler retails for RM2.09 at SaveMart in SS2. Elsewhere, it's going for about RM2+. Cheap!


  1. You… find whisky depressive?
    Have you been drinking the right kind of whisky (or whiskey, if you're sticking to the Irish variants), pray?
    Here's a good piece of advice: don't drink Jack Daniels. Never drink Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels is for idiots who don't know any better, or turpentine fans.
    Jack Daniels makes people depressive, because they know that there are drinks that are 1000 times better than JD, and they're stuck drinking JD, like idiots.
    In short: avoid Jack Daniels.
    And beer gives me gas. I'm a stout fan. Stout makes me happy, without the gastrointestinal upset.

  2. And you're talking about non-alcoholic beer! DEAR GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!?

  3. Ah.. beeeer. Sweet Nectar of life!
    Best beer I've had is from the Slavik region. Poland and Czech republic make the best beer. Compared to theirs, Tiger and Carlsberg DO taste like piss!

  4. wow.. non alcoholic beer? where's the fun in that? besides the burping... which u can get from coke or even 100plus?.... plus best beer i ever had is german beer..nothing comes close. hmmmm....

  5. ironic - I always tell my friends to go "Chiak Sai, Lim Jiu" :lol:
    And I know someone who would violently disagree re tequila being pansy. :-)

  6. Welcome to our little alumni of henpecked Clausthaler inhaling new daddies. Wonder if they'd ever come up with smokeless, tarless cigarettes. I'm sure even the most rabid fundamentalist Baptist would find nothing wrong with that :P

  7. Alcoholic or non-alcoholic, beer is still acquired taste, I think. Don't like the bitterness. Eek! But I guess it's cool for now.

  8. "Ah.. beeeer. Sweet Nectar of life!"
    now that is a sentence worth framing up. LOL
    james you evil uncle you, now you CAN bring the drink and drive to a higher level ^^, Actually drinking while driving.
    i (ab)solut you !!

  9. eh? non alcoholic beer?? good grief! what IS the world coming to!

  10. Now that's being a good role model for Jesse. ;)

  11. Ha ha.. is sounds cheaper than the regular Carlsberg etc etc.. maybe I should buy some for dad and his brothers.
    me and my bro don't drink beer, just don't like the taste and the after smell that comes from the mouth.
    I'm a Vodka, JD kinda guy.. and who said JD's depressive!
    Anyways wonder if they sell it in Barrels.. Can serve it at weddings..and since it isn't alcohol there's less corkage charges... muahahhaha

  12. All this talk about drinks is making me mouth water. Been a teetotaler for exactly 45 months now. Cannot drink (accept Dom, if that counts) when pregnant and breastfeeding mah. You men have it good. Don't have this type of restraints. Hmm... maybe I should go to SS2....

  13. I gotta go with T-Boy.
    what the.....?!

  14. T-boy, I have this half-drunk 3-litre bottle of Ballantine's Scotch Whisky which I pull out only when somebody dumps me. Hahhah! That, my friend, is as depressive as it gets. Non-alcoholic beer is for the husbands whose wives have a hold on their gonads. :lol:
    :lol: Eyeris! Sweet nectar of life eh? I gotta smuggle me some of that Slavik stuff.
    Sure MOO+1 but 100 Plus and Coke are too sweet for my liking.
    Any sweetened liquor is pansy kidstuff, Anjali! :lol:
    If they ever do come out with the smokeless, tarless ciggies, we'll drink to it BobK. Clausthaler, of course. :lol:
    Primrose, the Cantonese say "Foo Jun Kam Loi". :)
    Absolut-ly, Leo.
    CC, I think it's all part of the Political Correctness movement from the 90s.
    More like rollover model, Fly. :)
    Yah, Paulos. With all that merriment at a wedding, they'll never be able to tell the difference!! Except when the find the groom still standing after all that "Yam Seng"!
    No restraints, Mumgather? If only! :)
    Clausthaler is low-calorie, Mdmafia! Another plus!!!
    Husband: You must have married a docile woman. Count your blessings, man! :lol:

  15. gimme alcohol anytime! beer, whisky, wine, stout, brandy, vodka and even chinese Lo Fu Kuat Zhao (Tiger Bone Wine) *hic!* ;)

  16. without alcohol, it aint much of a beer, innit? :)

  17. How bout Lo Shu Zhao (Baby Mice Wine), Buaya? :)
    Beggars can't be choosers Meng! :lol: