Wednesday, December 15, 2004

I Knee-ded You

TV Smith's latest must surely strike a chord in our hearts. Or in our crotch when the little buggers lose control of their roller shoes.

In my youth (which was before the time of such a dastardly invention), I had a surefire way to deal with unruly children at a shopping mall. Back then, the kids merely ran about on their regular shoes. But they were annoying all the same. During the times when such a wild child ran towards me unknowingly, I would rise to the occasion.

Actually I would raise a knee to the occasion. Just high enough to meet the child in his chest. Thereon, inertia would do the rest. "Hey, Mr. Solar Plexus, meet Mr. Knee!"

The science behind it is simple enough. Upon contact of the child's celiac plexus with my age-hardened patella, said child's abdominal cavity momentarily collapses under the force of the impact. This action is countered with said child's diaphragm compressing his lungs whereupon its gaseous contents are expelled into the atmosphere. In short, it knocks the wind out of him.

And here, the strangest thing happens. They don't ever cry.

Perhaps it's the excruciating, numbing pain. Or perhaps it's the shock. Or maybe it's even because they know they had it coming. Either way, they never cry. They just limp sheepishly back to their parents' side where they should have been in the first place. Hehh!

Okay, okay, so I was an angst-ridden psycho in my turbulent youth! But now that I am a parent, I realise that just like I once prowled the malls for naughty kids, someone out there is doing the very same even as I write this. Therefore, as a responsible parent, I will refrain from giving my child roller shoes. I will also endeavour to educate my son in the ways becoming of a respectable and well-mannered child so that he will not be subjected to the same fate as my victims of yesteryear.

And if all else fails, a knee in the gut will be just as effective. Okay, okay, I'm kidding. I promise.


  1. I'm dead against roller shoes. They are so so dangerous!! Ok..maybe because I had a bad experience trying to rollerskate few years ago and thats why im against it now...but...they are really harzardous lah...ive seen children fall because they lose control of their shoes!
    Glad that ur not gonna let baby Jesse get a pair of rollershoes!! :)

  2. *blinks* *blink* *blink*
    so it is true, you do have your violent tendency ...LOL. Hopefully you do not lift your knee to high and give some poor kid a demoralized sniffer.
    Cherry : the rollershoes which are called Heelys(R), IS...and i do emphasize IS, scary. Esspecially when some teen..yes some teen, tries to do a trick.

  3. Therefore, as a responsible parent, I will refrain from giving my child roller shoes.
    For this act alone, you deserve the Nobel Prize...

  4. I hate them roller shoes too!
    The kids just zoom through the malls with no consideration what so ever and the people have to move and make way for them. If not we get daggers stared at us from their parents!!! Like WE were the ones at fault. HMPH!!!!
    p/s: Sashi ur damn funny!

  5. btw those mallbrats we saw here are using poor "made in taiwan or china" imitation of heelys!!! if i'm not mistaken the ori heelys allow one to "store" the rollers back into its cavity and they can walk as if its a normal pair of shoes. when they feel like going on the rollers they can just flick them out and roll.
    the poor imitations, i noticed r perpectual in a slanted position due to the protuding rollers which is bad for a child's back and formative feet!!!
    i just dont understand how could parents allow their children wear such poorly designed stuff and terrorised the malls?? sighhh...

  6. ugh. i hate those shoes. we're gonna have a whole generation of children walking on their toes! down with heelys i say!

  7. I just give them the "stare". Usually scares the hell outta all kids. Still do it. MUAHAHHAHAHA. Love being evil (rubs hands).

  8. It's a sign of the time when the church has to make weekly announcements for 1)Please turn off your handphones, this is a house of God for God sakes 2) Parents are reminded to ensure that their children are not using roller shoes in the church hall. Can't stand them, wonder how it got so popular all of a sudden?

  9. agreed. no heely's for my girls too. ;)

  10. aYE....YOu sick sick person you...:P....
    we were all once kids...:).... hahahah....
    roller shoes? Hmmm all i can say is that the guy who invented it is a genius and most probably is darn rich by now...:)

  11. hahaha u were so EVIL to knee them!! and they dont even cry!? ahahhahah. I think if we were kids we'd luv roller shoes too, but no zooming around everybody la. Rollershoes encourage infanticide.

  12. Ooh..I hate those roller shoes too. Not only are they dangerous, they are darn annoying too. I will never let Emily wear them. Hopefully, by the time she's old enough to wear them, the trend has worn off :P

  13. Whoa... oh-kay
    Now I know that roller shoes evoke strong emotions =)
    I'd LOVE a pair of roller-shoes!! They look so kewl and fun, zooming all across the mall.
    If I weren't 26, I'd definitely get me a pair. Trouble is, they're not allowed in the office (the last i checked). Doubt they have my size, anywayz. Just wishful thinking.

  14. I remember when I first tried on the roller skates (the real ones), I went straight from the front door to the steel gate, ended with my face plastered on the gate. I didn't get on it since.
    My toes almost came off yesterday when I went to KLCC for some shopping after gym. No thanks to the idiots who invented the roller shoes.

  15. chun, the ori heelys do hv adult size!! hehe
    i guess its not the inventor laffin his/her way to the bank... more like uncle ho is!!!

  16. Aww... i think i'm in da wrong territory. i love those heelys. Way cool, much better than those size adjustable roller skates i had as a kid. I was actually considering buying one of them. hehe. So James if you see me whizzing pass, please don't knee me. ;)

  17. Cherry, I just hope I don't succumb to pressure when the boy is begging me for them. :)
    Leo, or too low to end it all right away. :lol:
    Sashi, I always knew I'd stand in the ranks of Mother Theresa and Mikhail Gorbachev!
    Hey Annu, no praising anyone else at my blog! Bwahahaha!
    How do parents allow? BabeKL, I suppose we'll all find out when our kids are old enough to wear them! *ulp*
    CC, the slogan for our campaign shall be "Heel, Heelys, Heel!"
    Only women have perfected the "Death Stare", Mom! Guys still need to get physical. :lol:
    Kervin, what we need is some good ol' deliverance! :lol:
    Good for you Buaya. If you succeed, you shall be ordained President of our Heelys Anonymous!
    Alvink: Oops, I hope you weren't one of those kids who suffered my Knee of Death! Hehheh.
    Andrea, they never scream when their lives are flashing before their eyes. Kakkaka!!
    Ariel, something tells me that a new trend would have started by then. :)
    Ah, they do have them in your size, Chun. And the plus side is, given your adult height, no one will be able to knee you in your solar plexus! :lol:
    The fact that the idiot is laughing all the way to the bank continues to rub salt in our wounds, Gina. *sigh*
    No deal, Fly. Anyone on wheels are fair game.

  18. come on, let the kids have their fun. we were all kids once too who wanted nothing but fun. kids don't feel the 'danger' or the 'malice' behind 'em's the adults who do. so it is up to the adults to educate them in a way on the do and don'ts when they are having fun with their heeleys.

  19. Heeleys, like any other toy or tool can be dangerous to self and others in the untrained hand/mind.
    Look at how Anakin used The Force? ;)
    Parents should exercise restraint on their children. Maybe even put a leash on those kiddos.. with a "brake" lever connected to the shoes!
    I saw a kid once with these Heeleys (in Giant 1 U) and he braked too suddenly fell over and somehow Knee-ded himself in the solar plexus. Man did the boy suffer. Surprisingly enough the parents didn't really give the "I told you so" lecture/look.
    You think parents are too lenient these days. James your errr.. retort/rebutal?

  20. "Ah, they do have them in your size, Chun. And the plus side is, given your adult height, no one will be able to knee you in your solar plexus!"
    LOL ... i believe that they dont need to knee there, there are other regions worthy to be knee-ed

  21. leo, hahahah dats a good one :p
    james, i guess by the time our bois grow up such heelys would hv phased out. but then again, some other brilliant inventions might take over its place!!! hehe

  22. ban all roller shoes!!! ban ban BAN!!!

  23. Aw, Lucia, you'll make some kid a good mother!
    You're probably right Paulos. Parents these days are soft. Back in my time, when kids got up to mischief at the Departmental Store, they got caned there and then - for all and sundry to see! Hehhh.
    Tsk, tsk, Leo!
    BabeKL, I'd hate to think what that would be.
    Wah, Oli, you can be the leader of the Resistance ... against roller shoes.

  24. stop tsk-ing me uncle james. you sound like a grandpappy

  25. lol so YOU'RE the bogeyman all adults were warning about.
    I suppose mean annoyed teens are the bogeymans that scare the young ones. but they deserve every bit of it. grrrr.
    just that day i was at at Studio R, One U and decided to try on a pair. Couldn't move. Was afraid of falling. :) A sign of old age.